Birthdays And Anxiety
My son’s 12th birthday is approaching in less than two weeks. I have already started feeling anxious, as I do every year. It hits me like a ton of bricks. People may think these monumental days would get easier over time, but honestly, I don’t think they will. It is just normal to miss someone you love on the day they were born, especially when that someone is your child.
The thing that is haunting me this year is that it has been almost twelve years since I touched him. He died from a serious heart defect called TAPVR, when he was only 22 days old. I just sometimes feel that he is getting further and further from me. God, how I want to hold my baby. He was hooked up to life support for most of his life, and I never got to experience what it was like to hold him for a long period, until he died in my arms.
I know his spirit is around me. I feel it and I get signs, but dang it, I just want to see him, hear him, feel him, and smell him. What would he be like? What would he look and sound like? His voice would be starting to change by this age. Would he like sports or be a computer kid? Would he be artistic? I will never know.
Today, my heart is heavy, and it isn’t even “the day” yet… Being strong takes a lot out of a person. We deserve to have days where we can be sad. As bereaved parents, or others coping with loss, we find ourselves struggling though the weeks. Then, some weeks we are so strong we can hardly believe it ourselves… But today, I am allowing myself to be sad, and it’s okay.
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/StuartMiles
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