The Last Time I Held You
Twelve years ago today, I held my son for the last time. My precious boy only was with us for 22 days. I hardly held him throughout his life because he was hooked up to machines most of the time. He had a rare congenital heart defect called TAPVR. He had major heart surgery at seven days old, and never was able to come off of the ECMO machine. It was horrendous. I fell to my knees when I saw him after the surgery.
For the next two weeks, I sat next to his bed and held his tiny hands and rubbed his little feet. I sang him songs and rubbed his fuzzy little head. He was beautiful. The eyes of someone much wiser than me. I stared into those tiny, soulful eyes and cried, begging God to let my son live…. But it was not meant to be.
I was baptized at his bedside by the chaplain at the hospital. He held my finger the entire time. As she was praying over me, he lifted my hand up with all of his might. I truly believe that one of his many purposes was to have me become baptized. I cannot explain how he had the strength to lift my hand, and I feel it was a sign from God. I will always hold that moment close to my heart.
I will never forget having to leave his tiny body laying on that big bed as I left the hospital for the last time. I looked up at the light shining in his window as we pulled out of the parking lot on that cold winter night. My baby was gone. He had never gotten to sleep in his crib at home. Always connected to wires and tubes. And now, my baby was set free. He went from my arms to the arms of the Lord.
My heart breaks every day for you, Alex, but one day we will be together again. I will hold you and never let go.
I will love you always and forever <3
To read more about my son’s story, please read: Baby Alex, Forever In Our Hearts.
Image Courtesy of Serge Bertasius at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Just remember Lora you are better because he was here and he did have a huge purpose even though his life was short. Been thinking of you lots these past few weeks. You guys have been in our prayers. Stay strong Lor. Love you.
Thoughts & my prayers are with you x
Thank you so much. ❤️
I am sorry for your loss my daughter who is now seven months old was also diagnosed with total anomalous pulmonary venous return, she wasn’t diagnosed until four weeks old infact she was in the nicu for three weeks and they didn’t catch it ,they sent her home with me and after four days something just didn’t seem right her skin color was greyish and she wasn’t eating hardly. I took her to the hospital and an hour later after the room filling up with doctors and specialists they told me she had tapvr and would need immediate surgery the next day or she would not survive. They were surprised she had survived for weeks like this , but I knew it was god. She had surgery th e next day and did very well , she is still doing well but it is still scary because there is a good chance the vessel they repaired could shrink and would need immediate surgery again . If I would have not followed my mother’s instincts I would have lost her and I can’t imagine that, I am so sorry for your loss !!!
Crystal, thank you for your kind words. I am so glad to hear that your daughter is doing well. I too noticed something wrong in the hospital, even before the doctors. Mother’s intuition is real. I pray that your daughter stays healthy. Thank you for your comment and for visiting my blog. 💗